As far as the thing that troubles me goes...

avoidance isn't working. avoidance can't last, and can never be complete- I just won't be allowed to get away with it! so, I am going to rub my face in it, perhaps not excessively, but thats what I am going to do. Surely there comes a point where it can't feel any worse right? well, bring it on, I think I'm ready!!