up and down....

....up and down! Crazy isn't it?! I know people say you are supposed to 'enjoy the ride' but sometimes, honestly, I just don't! whilst its only a temporary fix feeling angry is so much easier, and seems less painful than feeling upset. But it's not a solution. Especially when there is no one to direct that anger at, except maybe yourself at a stretch.
   Been listening to this over and over (with the volume on full), letting the words fall around me like little grenades...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvkbZfXK25E

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting
I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should

discovery of the week!!

RUSKS!! only 2 points on the new weight watchers for a really big sweet biscuit to get me through the afternoon. HOW did I not discover this sooner?!?! will be on the shopping list from now on! :)

on the quiet side...

I don't have much to say today, but here is a recent pic from the studio that I thought edited up quite nicely.

that is all.

Continued....

When I think about it, bonfire night was pretty much the perfect night! I didn't do any work, and that's something I need to do more often! not all the time but definitely more than I do!
We ended the evening with the other members of 'Harry Potter Geeks Anonymous' watching the next instalment in our weekly catch - ups ready to watch the new one.

and for treats I had a go at something I had wanted to try for halloween but ran out of time...

So far so good...

   Well this post is definitely behind schedule (aren't they all?!) but so far, 'the season' is shaping up ok! Don't get me wrong, I don't feel caught up, or up to date. But I feel close, so close! :) bonfire night was a LOT of fun, in fact, it was pretty much perfect. Oh, I'm sure it could have been better, but it was enough.
It has become our tradition to head to Wythenshawe  Park for the free (yes that's FREE) fireworks display. There aren't many free ones these days, not great since I have 'issues' with paying to see fireworks. I know they cost money and these events cost a lot to put on and staff and keep safe etc, but I just don't GET the idea of paying to get inside a cordon or area to see fireworks that go up into the sky, and so basically you can see them just as well from outside the designated area where it's free!  Very similar in fact to the issues I have with having to pay so much for decent underwear when next to nobody sees it! But, thats another story, right ;)
    Anyhooooo, this year we took Matt and Chrissie along with us. I love the walk from where we park the cars, the air is always damp and chilly, and you can see all the smoke hanging in the air. So atmospheric!! :)

totally psyched...

...to finally lose that weight! It is SO time!! I am really loving the new weight watchers plan - it works so much better for me. I stuck to it pretty much last week but did no excercise and I lost a pound, so its a start. Yesterday I came up with the crazy idea to stay in my running gear all day and do regular little runs throughout the day in my work breaks to get myself back into it. I covered 8k in the end. It was tough! I am a little achy and was ready for bed at about 9 last night so I am taking it a little easier and just doing one short and gentle run today. Hopefully this really is it, I'm so tired of my muffin top!!!!!

oh happy day!

That's right people!! The Big Knit is back! I am happier that I probably ought to be about this!! :D

Conflict

   This blog is a blank page, that remains blank a little more than it ought to. I seem to struggle to post regularly right now. Its not so much that I don't want to, or nothing happens to post about. Its more that I can't decide what to post. The conflict of what I should/ shouldn't or want to / don't want to say here simply echoes the conflict in my head. I guess I am just a little wary of posting ANYTHING that seems negative here. I've given in to that more often than usual of late. I suppose it's a measure of how I really am right now. I have wondered whether that is bad. Its hard to have one space that serves all purposes. personal, friends, business etc I was worried about that. But then perhaps I shouldn't be. I have read several posts on other blogs like Jasmine Star, Elsie and Tara. I guess it's ok to be human here, everyone knows I am, as long as there is an element of balance. and no specifics when it comes to that 'dirty laundry'.

and so, today? not great. I feel like crawling back under my duvet and crying. But theres too much to be done for that. I have no idea why it's today specifically. I know at the core of it I just crave some understanding. but I crave it from a specific source. I am also aware that there is no sign of that happening and so it is pointless banging my head against that wall, as much as I may want to.  And, that is all. Tomorrow will be a new day, one where I will forget it all for a while again I'm sure. Roll on tomorrow!

Halloween!

   My nephew Matt called over on Saturday evening, he does that a lot these days! Dave was up in the loft fetching the boxes of halloween decorations down and I was busy icing gingerbread skeletons and hanging halloween garlands all at the same time! As I bustled past him with an armful of trimmings I noticed a gleam in his eye as he said, with a big grin, "I love Halloween!" He then qualified his statement, adding; "because it's halloween, then its Christmas!"
    I stopped dead, and must have looked a little silly standing there looking so lost, covered in pumpkin bunting and various random seasonal ornaments. I nodded my head enthusiastically in agreement, and at the same time felt the all-too-familiar sense of panic rising in my chest.
   The truth is I love it for the same reason: halloween, bonfire night, Christmas! But the last few years with working more than is sensible, I have lost sight of that excitement I used to feel and replaced it with the panic.
   And here we are again back at the start. I am trying to be more realistic this year about what I can and can't do in the hope that I will actually get to enjoy some of it and avoid making myself as sick as I did last year. So far, so good. Halloween wasn't quite what it could be but we managed 5 pumpkins, the majority of our decorations up (even if it was at the last minute), hand iced gingerbread for the trick or treaters and a few photos and some sleep! That HAS to be an improvement. Bring on bonfire night!!...

I'm feeling a little....

emotionally detatched. If that is even a real term - I just made it up because thats how I feel! From the fact that 2 out of my last 3 posts have been about chocolate, I'm sure it's pretty clear that things aren't going too well right now with my goals either!
 Still, I think that regardless of how I might be feeling it is past time for normal service to resume here! so from tomorrow, it will.
And in the mean-
time, I am going to crawl back into my corner and continue feeling 'emotionally detatched', simply because 'numb' gets far more done than misery! Go me!!

Old, old photo from  a uni project! (wow! wasn't I slim!!!!)

note to self:...

Never EVER attempt to use favourite chocolates as a prop! SO not clever!

I can feel my thighs growing just looking at them!

This morning...

I left my phone un-attended whilst I took a shower. Looks like someone found it! :)