Acceptance

  There are one or two things in my life that, try as I might, I just can't seem to accept. I suppose the underlying truth is that I just don't want to accept them.
  A new one has joined the list this week, it is that December has started without me!! I'm just not at where I wanted to be at yet, and here we are, 7 days in. So I have decided to just take a big deep breath and accept it.

 Whilst I haven't even started decorating the house, my desk is feeling a little more festive, thanks to my little Charlie Brown christmas tree...

and advent calendar...

And the view out of my window is pretty perfect too!

up and down....

....up and down! Crazy isn't it?! I know people say you are supposed to 'enjoy the ride' but sometimes, honestly, I just don't! whilst its only a temporary fix feeling angry is so much easier, and seems less painful than feeling upset. But it's not a solution. Especially when there is no one to direct that anger at, except maybe yourself at a stretch.
   Been listening to this over and over (with the volume on full), letting the words fall around me like little grenades...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvkbZfXK25E

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting
I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should

discovery of the week!!

RUSKS!! only 2 points on the new weight watchers for a really big sweet biscuit to get me through the afternoon. HOW did I not discover this sooner?!?! will be on the shopping list from now on! :)

on the quiet side...

I don't have much to say today, but here is a recent pic from the studio that I thought edited up quite nicely.

that is all.

Continued....

When I think about it, bonfire night was pretty much the perfect night! I didn't do any work, and that's something I need to do more often! not all the time but definitely more than I do!
We ended the evening with the other members of 'Harry Potter Geeks Anonymous' watching the next instalment in our weekly catch - ups ready to watch the new one.

and for treats I had a go at something I had wanted to try for halloween but ran out of time...

So far so good...

   Well this post is definitely behind schedule (aren't they all?!) but so far, 'the season' is shaping up ok! Don't get me wrong, I don't feel caught up, or up to date. But I feel close, so close! :) bonfire night was a LOT of fun, in fact, it was pretty much perfect. Oh, I'm sure it could have been better, but it was enough.
It has become our tradition to head to Wythenshawe  Park for the free (yes that's FREE) fireworks display. There aren't many free ones these days, not great since I have 'issues' with paying to see fireworks. I know they cost money and these events cost a lot to put on and staff and keep safe etc, but I just don't GET the idea of paying to get inside a cordon or area to see fireworks that go up into the sky, and so basically you can see them just as well from outside the designated area where it's free!  Very similar in fact to the issues I have with having to pay so much for decent underwear when next to nobody sees it! But, thats another story, right ;)
    Anyhooooo, this year we took Matt and Chrissie along with us. I love the walk from where we park the cars, the air is always damp and chilly, and you can see all the smoke hanging in the air. So atmospheric!! :)

totally psyched...

...to finally lose that weight! It is SO time!! I am really loving the new weight watchers plan - it works so much better for me. I stuck to it pretty much last week but did no excercise and I lost a pound, so its a start. Yesterday I came up with the crazy idea to stay in my running gear all day and do regular little runs throughout the day in my work breaks to get myself back into it. I covered 8k in the end. It was tough! I am a little achy and was ready for bed at about 9 last night so I am taking it a little easier and just doing one short and gentle run today. Hopefully this really is it, I'm so tired of my muffin top!!!!!

oh happy day!

That's right people!! The Big Knit is back! I am happier that I probably ought to be about this!! :D

Conflict

   This blog is a blank page, that remains blank a little more than it ought to. I seem to struggle to post regularly right now. Its not so much that I don't want to, or nothing happens to post about. Its more that I can't decide what to post. The conflict of what I should/ shouldn't or want to / don't want to say here simply echoes the conflict in my head. I guess I am just a little wary of posting ANYTHING that seems negative here. I've given in to that more often than usual of late. I suppose it's a measure of how I really am right now. I have wondered whether that is bad. Its hard to have one space that serves all purposes. personal, friends, business etc I was worried about that. But then perhaps I shouldn't be. I have read several posts on other blogs like Jasmine Star, Elsie and Tara. I guess it's ok to be human here, everyone knows I am, as long as there is an element of balance. and no specifics when it comes to that 'dirty laundry'.

and so, today? not great. I feel like crawling back under my duvet and crying. But theres too much to be done for that. I have no idea why it's today specifically. I know at the core of it I just crave some understanding. but I crave it from a specific source. I am also aware that there is no sign of that happening and so it is pointless banging my head against that wall, as much as I may want to.  And, that is all. Tomorrow will be a new day, one where I will forget it all for a while again I'm sure. Roll on tomorrow!

Halloween!

   My nephew Matt called over on Saturday evening, he does that a lot these days! Dave was up in the loft fetching the boxes of halloween decorations down and I was busy icing gingerbread skeletons and hanging halloween garlands all at the same time! As I bustled past him with an armful of trimmings I noticed a gleam in his eye as he said, with a big grin, "I love Halloween!" He then qualified his statement, adding; "because it's halloween, then its Christmas!"
    I stopped dead, and must have looked a little silly standing there looking so lost, covered in pumpkin bunting and various random seasonal ornaments. I nodded my head enthusiastically in agreement, and at the same time felt the all-too-familiar sense of panic rising in my chest.
   The truth is I love it for the same reason: halloween, bonfire night, Christmas! But the last few years with working more than is sensible, I have lost sight of that excitement I used to feel and replaced it with the panic.
   And here we are again back at the start. I am trying to be more realistic this year about what I can and can't do in the hope that I will actually get to enjoy some of it and avoid making myself as sick as I did last year. So far, so good. Halloween wasn't quite what it could be but we managed 5 pumpkins, the majority of our decorations up (even if it was at the last minute), hand iced gingerbread for the trick or treaters and a few photos and some sleep! That HAS to be an improvement. Bring on bonfire night!!...

I'm feeling a little....

emotionally detatched. If that is even a real term - I just made it up because thats how I feel! From the fact that 2 out of my last 3 posts have been about chocolate, I'm sure it's pretty clear that things aren't going too well right now with my goals either!
 Still, I think that regardless of how I might be feeling it is past time for normal service to resume here! so from tomorrow, it will.
And in the mean-
time, I am going to crawl back into my corner and continue feeling 'emotionally detatched', simply because 'numb' gets far more done than misery! Go me!!

Old, old photo from  a uni project! (wow! wasn't I slim!!!!)

note to self:...

Never EVER attempt to use favourite chocolates as a prop! SO not clever!

I can feel my thighs growing just looking at them!

This morning...

I left my phone un-attended whilst I took a shower. Looks like someone found it! :)

I think I need to remember....

That chocolate is NOT the answer!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

a few things...

1. I care too much about lots of things. Mostly things like what other people think of me.


2. It makes me do crazy things sometimes. or maybe just too many things.


3. I feel selfish if I am not dancing to absolutely everyone else's tune, so much so that I don't really dance so well anyway. I just collapse in a heap on the floor and beg for it to be over again!


4. I love my kitty like crazy even though she drives me nuts! could say the same for the husband.


5. I feel like I still haven't figured out exactly who I am supposed to be.


6. I'd like to go home now and hide under the duvet, if thats ok...


7. Autumn is my favourite season, for the colours and the golden light.


8. I still don't want to talk about 'it'. some pains just feel better kept inside my own head.


9. I often cry in my sleep. Now and again I laugh too.


10. I have big ideas but am often too afraid of failing to make them reality


11. I always under estimate the work to be done, in every situation


12. I always want to sit on the floor and cry once the reality sinks in regarding no.11


13 I don't handle change.


14. Turning 30 REALLY freaks me out. 


15. People tend to think I'm unfriendly, when really I'm just too scared to go over and talk to them.


16. I want to reclaim my waistline but comfort eating is way too easy for me.


17. I love frappuccinos and Ben and Jerrys ice cream.


18. I have far too many clothes in my wardrobe


19. I wish I could travel more


20. I am NOT a morning person.


And so, Moving on....


I've spent a lot of time over the last couple of weeks thinking about how I have survived in the past when I have felt my world caving in. Because I have - survived that is.
so I guess its time to lace up my running shoes, crank up the volume on the 'angry-girl music'
and make sure the freezer is stocked for absolute emergencies!

on feeling...

About a day ago now, I stopped by Tara's blog. Tara is an amazing photographer and a pretty great writer too. And as I was reading I read this (and I've been thinking about it pretty much ever since)...

You really have to go through pain before you can move into a new phase, a new place in your head or heart. So often I am scared of that pain, afraid it will overwhelm me - ruin my life or my day. I hide from it, avoid it, make poor choices in order to stay numb to it. When I do that, the pain just takes hold. It moves in like a wasp's nest, constantly buzzing about my head. Something you know you have to deal with, but are afraid to because you don't want to get stung. I am learning more and more that accepting those feelings and letting myself feel them is the way I want to go.

When you give yourself permission to feel what you feel, it is giving yourself permission to be who you really are. There is a peace in that, and a sincerity that feeds you.

It is the best way that I know to take care of myself.

Ofcourse, I knew it, really. I just needed to hear it - or read it!

Thank you Tara

Hello old friend....

It's been a while. Ok, that's a lie, but I have tried to live without you. I find in my current state of mind, however, I cannot. I neeeeeeed you and the comfort you bring. Meet me in the lounge in 10 minutes and I won't tell anyone if you don't! ( I'll be the one holding the spoon )
Love, me xx

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The choice...

Get off my sorry behind, go to weight watchers and be myself again, or, let the current black mood get the better of me and take me where it will...

'nuff said!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Manchester,United Kingdom

I always get the blame...

... for all the pens going missing. But now I know the truth. I have photographic evidence!

Rumbled!

The real pen thief!!
(she stole this one from Dave's bedside table!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:London Rd,,United Kingdom

Staring out of the abyss...

in some ways is not much different than staring into it. Except for one thing - the fear is gone. there is no fear because you are there. You know exactly how it feels.  And you start to wonder, does it feel good, almost? to realise your nightmare, and to realise there is a peace in knowing that it couldn't feel worse than this.
    Sure, I'll pull myself out, when I am ready to. The truth is I don't want a hand to help me. I don't want to talk about it. I just want to sit, quietly and look out on the world I once thought I knew my way in. And resolve that when I do get out It will be in my way, and where I want to. Maybe not where you think I should.

If breaking makes us stronger, then I will be stronger. When I choose to be.

T minus 1!!!!!!!!! ;)

T - Minus 2 days

T-minus 3 days...

T - Minus 4 days

T - Minus 5 days

T - Minus 6 days

T - Minus 7 days

T - Minus 8 days

T - Minus 9 days

T - minus 10 days

Without giving too much away..... (T-minus 11days)

I Give Up!!

Just so you know! I do!!

I give up on august break! Not because it's not a great Idea, but because It has been a crazy couple of weeks and I got so far behind it felt like a chore!

I also give up trying to lose weight before I go away. I can start again after!

I'm just a big quitter today!

Day 9 (Happy birthday to me STILL!)

still celebrating! Finally some candles freshly plucked from my birthday clafoutis! .... well, I don't really like cake anyway! ;)

Day 8 (total cheat!)

That one was actually taken on the 7th!! I KNOW! F.A.I.L! I just can't remember what I was supposed to photograph for the 8th! probably the humble pie or the gumbo or cornbread, or all 10 of us eating dinner. But I didn't photograph any of those things! oops!

Day 7 (I have decided wardrobes should be classed as a basic human right!)

a trip to Ikea to pick up what we need to finally build wardrobes! :)
I have missed having wardrobes!!!!

Day 6 (SURPRISE!! happy birthday to me!)

I was sat at the table opening cards and presents when there was a knock at the door. In came Lesley and Steph, I was a little confused! They don't usually show up bearing gifts of my birthday! I took the gift bag and looked inside...

Day 5 (mmmm!)

virgin strawberry daiquiri. The Exchange (with Mum).

Day 4 (the last kitty-love wednesday!)

My final visit with the kittens now 6 weeks and 3 days old. I will post more of the pictures that have been missed after the august break!

Day 3 (not so clever)

I 'broke down' (or in other words ran out of petrol), annoyingly, within view of the petrol station. Hooray for the nice van driver who towed me in! :)

Day2 (the accidental stroke of genius!!:)

#

air hockey! gotta love it! I challenged Georgia to a game on the way out of the cinema. It was neck and neck untill...

I distracted her by taking a photo and scored the winning goal! :)